Monday, September 8, 2008

Dude, where's my blog?

Happy happy joy joy we've moved, dear reader, to new digs and lost our righteousness.

Change your bookmark and come on over...

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Vancouver Fringe Festival Review One - PUTZ

Scrupolosity...I don't know what it means. But along with words like Herpesiphighonnoritis and Blahamablam, I can certainly guess the meaning and be pretty certain that I'm right.

After all, just look at this guy:

His name is Andrew Bailey. He is a one-man show. He is a one-man show called Putz. And interestingly enough, it's sort of a hetero-lesbian schizophrenic one-man show. Intrigued? I certainly was. I've retyped the blurb in the Fringe Guide, which can be found at Blenz locations throughout the city or online at the link above:

"Scrupulosity's Andrew Bailey has a best friend who comes out to him as a lesbian. He also has a psychiatrist who orders him to start dating. Then things get kinda weird."

Now I have a couple things to say before I review. The Fringe Festival is better organized than the Vancouver Queer Film Festival, which ran last month in theatre throughout the city. I would like to thank PR maven Jessica Nesselroad, along with the on-site staff tonight for their help. They are professionals, so if you go to a show and decide to flirt, keep it classy ladies and gentlement. They have a job to do!

Secondly: queer content this year is there, but you have to look for it. So check back for updates next week. I have a couple more picks that I'll tell you about then.

I came for the queer content and stayed for the flip chart. One-man shows are a risky business. Being naturally inclined to monogamy, I speak from experience. The highs are diszzying, the lows are depth-defying and more often than not, hit rock bottom before you even know where you're heading there. One-man shows depend on the actor, especially one-man shows with props (you may naturally think of Carrot Top, but don't because there is nothing natural about him *shudder*)
*insert blood curdling scream here*

Bailey's character is a nerd. I'm not going to mince words. He is the nerdiest of nerds: high socks, high libido, with a penchant for ordinary button-ups and sensible shoes. Stalkerish, he also composes acrostic poetry for his various paramours. If you are thinking it's a play featuring the following Simpson's anti-hero:

You are correct. Milhouse Van Houton lives!!

There are certain people who bring out the bully in me. Bailey's character is one of them. I frequently had to supress the urge to run up and pants the guy and/or give an atomic wedgie, followed by a quickie wet willie and snake burn for a farewell. That's a sign of good acting and good writing. Oooo the passion!

Watching the quickly-moving 60 mins of this play was like hanging out with the guy at London Drugs who fixes laptops after he's taken a couple tabs of speed.

Structurally, it felt like two plays pieced together - the lesbian friend storyline vs the shame of a sexually repressed 30-something. Though from the pairing of both, the audience got to hear lines like: "we were a society of two," which I thought did an admirable job of expressing two distinct sexual solititudes experience by two very different individuals.

So final word on the queer: mutton dressed as lesbian. Queer content in this one feels like window dressing, but in the end who cares. Bailey's delivery will make you laugh, so get out and see Putz, hell, take your girlfriend(s) and/or boyfriend(s). Hell, just take your firends. And bring your mom too. It's running at the Waterfront Theatre on Granville Island, with shows on Sept 7, Sept 9, Sept 11 and Sept 14.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Internet dating, Meg "Picasso Face" Ryan and Lurid Digs


Internet dating is a lot Meg "Picasso Face" Ryan...almost everything about it sounds and looks good in principle, but then you take a closer look:
And discover that everything is not as it should be...nor has it been for a long, long time.

Recently, my journalistic instincts have gone into overdrive and I'm cooking up a non-fiction collection of essays modeled after Canada's own Jan Wong. In the spirit of an article I posted here a couple weeks back, I've joined ... and I'm hoping to interview some fine local gentlemen now that I have a phone (the 6 week ordeal is over and that damn Richard Branson and his Virgin Mobile goons have made hundreds of dollars off my recent misfortune - damn them straight to Palm Springs!)

My favourite online "encounter" so far involved a one-word message (sent with requisite photo of headless torso) that said:


Dear reader: I laughed, I cried, I took a nap and when I woke up the sun was shining just so through the windows and a pidgeon cooing softly in the distance, I went for a walk, bought some humus, made a delicious sandwich and reflected on Petty and Vindictive 2007 and all the bitchy things I did that year whilst leaning against the balcony railing...and then it hit me a second time: what the fuck does 'Dam' mean?

Here's a site you will love. It's called Lurid Digs: Horrifying Gay Amateur Interiors. Think twice before you post that profile shot. People are judging you and you might just end up all over the internet. PS don't click on the above link if you don't like penises and/or nausalicious interior design. You've been warned.

September 24, 2007

April 9, 2007

File Under:For the hell of it | Suffocating Sofas

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hot in the City vs Meat Street Beat (The Chemical Brothers)

You know, I've always had a thing for the Chemical Brothers. They reinvent their sound with every record and once every couple records, they make a song that speaks to me on a i-wish-i-wasn't-born-in-the-eighties-so-i-could-have-gone-to-the-real-parties-in-the-nineties kind of level. If you don't know what I mean, don't waste your time trying to figure it out, instead check out these two tracks on your own time: from Surrender "Out of Control" and from Push the Button "Believe."

The Chemical Bros have released a new album called Brotherhood this week and the current single is "Midnight Madness" - the video for it is So You Think You Can Dance meets Keebler Elf meets the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

And get this: they have a Google Earth project on their website. Think Earthitarium.

Part of my duties here is entertainment blogger. In fact, I've managed to talk my way into the BestGayCities stronghold and will be blogging for a global gay audience semi-regularly about the gay scene in Vancouver. How's them adam's apples? Eh? Eh? More news on that soon, but in the meantime, check out if you're planning on traveling anytime soon.

Now, on to local entertainment news...

Remember that time in the distant past when you owned a car, before they became synonymous with terms like "imperialist" and "planet killer"? If you don't, those were the salad days. Back then, gasoline grew on trees and thongs were something you wore on your private parts, not on your feet.

Or as Vitamin V puts it:



Remember when "parking the car" was tantamount to romance?

These days it takes dinner and a good bottle of wine, but tonight the cinephile in us has reason to be easy—the rooftop of the EasyPark at 150 Water Street transforms from paved parkade to downtown drive-in.

For three consecutive Wednesday evenings this month, The Gastown Drive In pays homage to our fair city by featuring Canadian full-length and short films shot in Vancouver. Entitled "Vancouver Stars As Itself," the series kicks off tonight with the mockumentary Hard Core Logo. After the screenings, audiences are invited to meet filmmakers at local Gastown haunts The Lamplighter, The Irish Heather and Salt Tasting Room.

Car free? Don't fret. Pedestrians and cyclists are free to be easy too.

The Gastown Drive In runs September 3, 10 and 17, 2008. Gates at 7:30 p.m., show at 8:30 p.m., admission is free, $6 to park. Reservations for cars are recommended and can be made here.

Listen, Vitamin V, don't tell me not to fret. I will fret when and where I choose to fret and you have no say in the matter. Your sultry charms and mysteries are dead to me. DEAD.

For the record, I believe the V in Vitamin V stands for Vacuous...though often while reading their updates, I wish it stood for Viagra. On a literal level, I object to the name altogether. Vancouver is not a vitamin. And vaginas aren't vitamins either...

...or are they?

Update: Tuesday post fixed

Apparently Marc Bartolomeo is too hot for blogspot, as his photos refused to load to the page for many RUYA readers. The post is fixed. For sexy, click here.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Man cleavage

Well, well, well...dear reader, you're in for a *treat* today. If you think that Tuesday Hotness is the best day of the week here on RUYA (and if you don't think that already, start thinking it now...or else) ...

Jesus I was going somewhere with that sentence and got sidetracked by making unsubstantiated sexy threats to your well-being. Let's face it. I'm just not myself today. Why all the flusterpation and general disconfrabulated sense of self?

After sorting through my email account, I stumbled across a shocker. It's like I've been to some netherworld where jeans and jockstraps have had "relations" in a the back of leatherbar and failure to use protection resulted in a hideous bastard child we all have dreamt of, yet few have seen to believe:

Is it a jockstrap? Is it a pair of jeans?

I will not lie to you, dear reader. I have heard whispers of such pants. Gay whispers...A dependable (though often boring) source out in Yaletown has confirmed that these are actually a strapless thong-jeans hybrid (sounds crazy, but it must be true if the Yalies say it's so), which would make the above pair of whatevertheyare a pair of Theans. Try saying this sentence outloud: "Hey, guy, I like your Theans." Doesn't get much gayer than that, now does it?

This photo was sent to me by a loyal RUYA reader that I affectionately refer to as "Victoria Armanda" (who is getting married next weekend) and she requests that everyone visits the full website at She writes: "How does one sit properly and not stick to the chair?"

These are the kinds of questions that drive even the strongest of men...and women...mad. Do not dwell on this, Victoria Armanda. DO NOT! Despite all my advanced gayness and predisposition for scantily clad posteriers, not even I can predict what may happen to you if you continue down this path. Stop now, before you end up like this:
(for the love of god and baby jesus, look at what he's doing to the actor that plays Puppy #2)

Tuesday Hotness - Marc Bartolomeo

Better late than never...

Good news: I've got an internet connection again.

More good news: This guy (see below)

Marc “Sparky” Bartolomeo is an electrician by trade and has been in the field for a little over 15 years. He did some modeling and also did some show for TLC that featured him "fixing" things. Blah blah blah...on to the photos.

My friend's cat was named Bartholomeow, so this posting is dedicated to his memory. RIP, baby.

Monday, September 1, 2008

No telephone and no internet make Sean something-something...

So here's a sorry state of affairs...The big move didn't go as well as we hoped. Although my sister and I are now in a new pad off Davie St (now with 50% more gay!), we don't have internet and or telephone service as Virgin Mobile is not all that it's cracked up to be.

Tragic yes and this internet cafe is even more tragic. Which is why I am quickly going to post a video to tide you over until I can post a full Tuesday Hotness blog tomorrow when my internet service is back up and running. Check back later in the day. Hope you all enjoyed your weekend, Labour-free.