Dude, where's my blog?

Happy happy joy joy we've moved, dear reader, to new digs and lost our righteousness.

Change your bookmark and come on over...http://www.xtra.ca/blog/vancouver/

Vancouver Fringe Festival Review One - PUTZ

Scrupolosity...I don't know what it means. But along with words like Herpesiphighonnoritis and Blahamablam, I can certainly guess the meaning and be pretty certain that I'm right.

After all, just look at this guy:

His name is Andrew Bailey. He is a one-man show. He is a one-man show called Putz. And interestingly enough, it's sort of a hetero-lesbian schizophrenic one-man show. Intrigued? I certainly was. I've retyped the blurb in the Fringe Guide, which can be found at Blenz locations throughout the city or online at the link above:

"Scrupulosity's Andrew Bailey has a best friend who comes out to him as a lesbian. He also has a psychiatrist who orders him to start dating. Then things get kinda weird."

Now I have a couple things to say before I review. The Fringe Festival is better organized than the Vancouver Queer Film Festival, which ran last month in theatre throughout the city. I would like to thank PR maven Jessica Nesselroad, along with the on-site staff tonight for their help. They are professionals, so if you go to a show and decide to flirt, keep it classy ladies and gentlement. They have a job to do!

Secondly: queer content this year is there, but you have to look for it. So check back for updates next week. I have a couple more picks that I'll tell you about then.

Review
I came for the queer content and stayed for the flip chart. One-man shows are a risky business. Being naturally inclined to monogamy, I speak from experience. The highs are diszzying, the lows are depth-defying and more often than not, hit rock bottom before you even know where you're heading there. One-man shows depend on the actor, especially one-man shows with props (you may naturally think of Carrot Top, but don't because there is nothing natural about him *shudder*)

*insert blood curdling scream here*

Bailey's character is a nerd. I'm not going to mince words. He is the nerdiest of nerds: high socks, high libido, with a penchant for ordinary button-ups and sensible shoes. Stalkerish, he also composes acrostic poetry for his various paramours. If you are thinking it's a play featuring the following Simpson's anti-hero:

You are correct. Milhouse Van Houton lives!!

There are certain people who bring out the bully in me. Bailey's character is one of them. I frequently had to supress the urge to run up and pants the guy and/or give an atomic wedgie, followed by a quickie wet willie and snake burn for a farewell. That's a sign of good acting and good writing. Oooo the passion!

Watching the quickly-moving 60 mins of this play was like hanging out with the guy at London Drugs who fixes laptops after he's taken a couple tabs of speed.

Structurally, it felt like two plays pieced together - the lesbian friend storyline vs the shame of a sexually repressed 30-something. Though from the pairing of both, the audience got to hear lines like: "we were a society of two," which I thought did an admirable job of expressing two distinct sexual solititudes experience by two very different individuals.

So final word on the queer: mutton dressed as lesbian. Queer content in this one feels like window dressing, but in the end who cares. Bailey's delivery will make you laugh, so get out and see Putz, hell, take your girlfriend(s) and/or boyfriend(s). Hell, just take your firends. And bring your mom too. It's running at the Waterfront Theatre on Granville Island, with shows on Sept 7, Sept 9, Sept 11 and Sept 14.

Internet dating, Meg "Picasso Face" Ryan and Lurid Digs

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hot in the City vs Meat Street Beat (The Chemical Brothers)

You know, I've always had a thing for the Chemical Brothers. They reinvent their sound with every record and once every couple records, they make a song that speaks to me on a i-wish-i-wasn't-born-in-the-eighties-so-i-could-have-gone-to-the-real-parties-in-the-nineties kind of level. If you don't know what I mean, don't waste your time trying to figure it out, instead check out these two tracks on your own time: from Surrender "Out of Control" and from Push the Button "Believe."

The Chemical Bros have released a new album called Brotherhood this week and the current single is "Midnight Madness" - the video for it is So You Think You Can Dance meets Keebler Elf meets the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.



And get this: they have a Google Earth project on their http://www.thechemicalbrothers.com/ website. Think Earthitarium.

Part of my duties here is entertainment blogger. In fact, I've managed to talk my way into the BestGayCities stronghold and will be blogging for a global gay audience semi-regularly about the gay scene in Vancouver. How's them adam's apples? Eh? Eh? More news on that soon, but in the meantime, check out http://www.gaycities.com/ if you're planning on traveling anytime soon.

Now, on to local entertainment news...

Remember that time in the distant past when you owned a car, before they became synonymous with terms like "imperialist" and "planet killer"? If you don't, those were the salad days. Back then, gasoline grew on trees and thongs were something you wore on your private parts, not on your feet.

Or as Vitamin V puts it:

SEPTEMBER 3RD, 2008

DOWNTOWN DRIVE-IN

Remember when "parking the car" was tantamount to romance?

These days it takes dinner and a good bottle of wine, but tonight the cinephile in us has reason to be easy—the rooftop of the EasyPark at 150 Water Street transforms from paved parkade to downtown drive-in.

For three consecutive Wednesday evenings this month, The Gastown Drive In pays homage to our fair city by featuring Canadian full-length and short films shot in Vancouver. Entitled "Vancouver Stars As Itself," the series kicks off tonight with the mockumentary Hard Core Logo. After the screenings, audiences are invited to meet filmmakers at local Gastown haunts The Lamplighter, The Irish Heather and Salt Tasting Room.

Car free? Don't fret. Pedestrians and cyclists are free to be easy too.

The Gastown Drive In runs September 3, 10 and 17, 2008. Gates at 7:30 p.m., show at 8:30 p.m., admission is free, $6 to park. Reservations for cars are recommended and can be made here.

Listen, Vitamin V, don't tell me not to fret. I will fret when and where I choose to fret and you have no say in the matter. Your sultry charms and mysteries are dead to me. DEAD.

For the record, I believe the V in Vitamin V stands for Vacuous...though often while reading their updates, I wish it stood for Viagra. On a literal level, I object to the name altogether. Vancouver is not a vitamin. And vaginas aren't vitamins either...

...or are they?

Update: Tuesday post fixed

Apparently Marc Bartolomeo is too hot for blogspot, as his photos refused to load to the page for many RUYA readers. The post is fixed. For sexy, click here.

Man cleavage

Well, well, well...dear reader, you're in for a *treat* today. If you think that Tuesday Hotness is the best day of the week here on RUYA (and if you don't think that already, start thinking it now...or else) ...

Jesus I was going somewhere with that sentence and got sidetracked by making unsubstantiated sexy threats to your well-being. Let's face it. I'm just not myself today. Why all the flusterpation and general disconfrabulated sense of self?

After sorting through my vancouvergayblog@gmail.com email account, I stumbled across a shocker. It's like I've been to some netherworld where jeans and jockstraps have had "relations" in a the back of leatherbar and failure to use protection resulted in a hideous bastard child we all have dreamt of, yet few have seen to believe:

Is it a jockstrap? Is it a pair of jeans?

I will not lie to you, dear reader. I have heard whispers of such pants. Gay whispers...A dependable (though often boring) source out in Yaletown has confirmed that these are actually a strapless thong-jeans hybrid (sounds crazy, but it must be true if the Yalies say it's so), which would make the above pair of whatevertheyare a pair of Theans. Try saying this sentence outloud: "Hey, guy, I like your Theans." Doesn't get much gayer than that, now does it?

This photo was sent to me by a loyal RUYA reader that I affectionately refer to as "Victoria Armanda" (who is getting married next weekend) and she requests that everyone visits the full website at www.rufskin.com. She writes: "How does one sit properly and not stick to the chair?"

These are the kinds of questions that drive even the strongest of men...and women...mad. Do not dwell on this, Victoria Armanda. DO NOT! Despite all my advanced gayness and predisposition for scantily clad posteriers, not even I can predict what may happen to you if you continue down this path. Stop now, before you end up like this:

(for the love of god and baby jesus, look at what he's doing to the actor that plays Puppy #2)

Tuesday Hotness - Marc Bartolomeo

Better late than never...

Good news: I've got an internet connection again.

More good news: This guy (see below)

Marc “Sparky” Bartolomeo is an electrician by trade and has been in the field for a little over 15 years. He did some modeling and also did some show for TLC that featured him "fixing" things. Blah blah blah...on to the photos.

My friend's cat was named Bartholomeow, so this posting is dedicated to his memory. RIP, baby.

No telephone and no internet make Sean something-something...

So here's a sorry state of affairs...The big move didn't go as well as we hoped. Although my sister and I are now in a new pad off Davie St (now with 50% more gay!), we don't have internet and or telephone service as Virgin Mobile is not all that it's cracked up to be.

Tragic yes and this internet cafe is even more tragic. Which is why I am quickly going to post a video to tide you over until I can post a full Tuesday Hotness blog tomorrow when my internet service is back up and running. Check back later in the day. Hope you all enjoyed your weekend, Labour-free.

Douche Cologne/Ten things I hate about U-haul

Before we delve deeper into the brotherhood of the traveling douche, I would like to proclaim that I hate U-haul. And no, it's not just some trivial dislike of mine blown out of proportion due to a fit of frivolity. Nay, kind reader. I repeat: nay.

After many years of hijinx ($19.95 vans turning into $369.82 vans, pick up locations in Chilliwack, drop off locations in hell, etc), the shit teeth collective at U-haul command-control-centre (perhaps located in U-tah?) sent my sister and I to an abandoned, boarded up building in the middle of Nowheresville, Vancouver Island to pick up a truck.

Here's a surprise: there was no truck there.

Here's another surprise: Client Relations Manager "Zariak" (no surname, which means he more akin to Jesus and Cher, than mere mortals like you and I) told me a real zinger on the phone after I called 1-800-NO-BALLS. He told me, "There's nothing I can do for you."

Well, "Zariak", why the fuck do you have a job then?

"There's nothing I can do for you" is something I would expect from:

1) Celine Dion (who also has no balls)

2) Lamb-Chop (who has neither balls nor a spine)

3) Bad jokes about spousal abuse (which take balls and often involve not the fun kind, but that other kind of beating)

Anyway, I won't get into the other things I hate about U-haul (the name, the hyphen in the name, the shorthand convenience of the name, the font, its u-move monopoly here in Canada, the vehicle checks, the orange everything...you get the idea)

Okay so I did get into it, but here's the real blog for today:

You may have noticed the resurgence of douchebag in popular culture. Sure, when John Mayer wears a douchebag shirt, it's whimsical and poignant and delightful in all the ways it should be. However, when you actually meet a douchebag, they are none of these things.

Don't know what a douchebag is and are too lazy to click on the hyperlinks above? You're my kind of people. Watch this instead!

Douche Cologne Spoof on male cologne such as Axe body spray.

Brenda Dickson: "Give yourself a chest camel toe by lifting nuts and bolts to your chin!"

Welcome to my home...I'm Brenda Dickson. You may remember me from such soap operas as The Young and the Restless...oh wait, that's the only thing you'll remember me from because I didn't have a career beyond that.

Fact: If you get skinny enough, you'll look like a lollipop...nice big head...stick body...that's the goal, isn't it?



Thanks to comedian Deven Green for posting these on YouTube. Here are the rest of the spoofs:









And here's the original:



Enjoy.

The Lion, the Witch and the Whoredrobe....

Before eternal winter set in upon the land of Narnia, I imagine the following gentleman caller enjoyed long midnight dances, sexy hunting parties, feasting, and treasure trail seeking.

His many likes include lampposts, fauns, nymphs, dryads, Red Dwarfs, wayward British children disguised as messiahs, and talking animals, especially Mr. and Mrs. Beaver.

His dislikes include Turkish Delight, long walks through the snowy forest, anal fisting and being turned into stone.
Don't let his come-hither smile and whimsical dress fool you. It is Mr. Tumnus in a disguise. In a shocking role reversal, he has left Narnia for the red-carpet pleasures of MTV. I, for one, don't want anything to do with him. Back into the closet..er, "wardobe"...with you foul he-beast.

In other news, the Vancouver Queer Film Festival announced its winners. If my own ramblings about queer film didn't convince you of its relevance and importance to all things queer, check out this official press release (note: I didn't receive this until Tuesday, Aug 26) -

MEDIA RELEASE

Media Contact: Robin Perrin

t. 604.844.1615 | robin@outonscreen.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

20^th Anniversary Vancouver Queer Film Festival
Unveils Award Winners at Closing Gala

Vancouver, BC (August 25, 2008) - At last night's Closing Gala Ceremonies the 20th Anniversary Vancouver Queer Film Festival announced the winners of the Vancity enviro Visa People's Choice Award for Best Feature, the OUT tv Hot Pink Shorts Award - both chosen by audience members during the 11 day festival - and the Gerry Brunet Memorial Award, selected by a jury of artists and film curators.

The visually stunning musical Were the World Mine by director Tom Gustafson took the People's Choice Award for Best Feature. The film tells the tale of high school student Timothy, prone to escaping his dismal reality through dazzling musical daydreams, and his discovery of a love potion that turns much of his narrow-minded town gay. Were the World Mine is Gustafson's feature directorial debut and was screened as part of the Vancouver Queer Film Festival's youth focus program. The film proved so popular that a third screening was added during the festival. Vancity enviro Visa generously provides the $1500 prize for the audience's choice for best feature film.

Local filmmaker Claudia Morgado Escanilla took home the festival's first Out tv Hot Pink Shorts Award for her charming film, No Bikini. Based on a story by Ivan E Coyote, the film is about a seven year old who decides to go without her bikini top at a summer camp, with surprising results. The film was screened twice during the festival, once as part of the KinderKino family program and again at the annual The Coast is Queer program. OUT tv provides the $750 prize for the audience's choice for best short film.

The jurors for the Gerry Brunet Memorial Award had a difficult time selecting a winner from among the worthy entries this year, an indication of the quality of the short films the festival now screens. In the end the prize went to two deserving films: Hirsute by AJ Bond and Writing the Land by Kevin Lee Burton. Hirsute features a time-travelling scientist who encounters his future self while Writing the Land offers a meticulous study of language and landscape. Claudia Morgado's No Bikini received honourable mention from the jury. The Gerry Brunet Memorial Award is awarded for the best short film or video by a British Columbian director and is given in recognition of Gerry Brunet, a lifelong contributor to arts organizations and an early Board member of Out On Screen. The award is worth $1500 ($500 cash and $1000 in production services courtesy of Technicolor).

In addition to the annual festival film awards, last night interdisciplinary artist, writer and activist Laiwan was the proud recipient of the Vancouver Queer Film Festival's 20th Anniversary Award. The award, a $2000 prize, was presented to Laiwan in recognition of her contribution to queer media in BC over the past two decades. Laiwan's multi-media exhibition LOOSE WORK was at the OR Gallery during the festival.

20 Years: Looking Back with Pride, Looking Ahead with Hope and Anticipation

While the final numbers are not yet in, all indications are that this year's 11 day festival was the most successful to date. Not only were the films well attended, but the numerous panels, workshops and performances drew record participation. As Vancouver's second largest film festival, the Vancouver Queer Film Festival continues to grow in scope and size.

The festival opened with the heart warming film from South Korea, Like a Virgin, and featured an additional gala film in honour of the 20^th Anniversary, a special screening of Aerlyn Weissman's Little Sister's vs, Big Brother. The Queer History Project saw its second commissioned film premiere at the festival with Rex vs. Singh, the story of the trial of two Sikh mill workers accused of sodomy a year following the 1914 Komagata Maru incident. The highly anticipated film by Ali Kazimi, Richard Fung and John Greyson generated interest from the public, community groups as well as national and international media. Fittingly, the Queer History Project website was also launched during this year's festival. The interactive website is intended to be a place where the Vancouver queer community can create, explore and share its history. See www.queerhistoryproject.com

Other festival highlights include the festival's artist in residence Coral Short and her Wolves on Parade performances, Aerlyn Weissman's words of wisdom at her masterclass on Oral History and Living Memory and the steamy Hot Mix at Friction. The festival closed with the screening of the award winning Argentine film XXY. Filmgoers, filmmakers and performance artists gathered for a final celebration at the Closing Gala party at Celebrities.

Out On Screen's Executive Director, Drew Dennis, commented on the significance of the 20th anniversary festival. "This anniversary has given us an opportunity to recognize how far we've come, both as a festival and as a community. It has also inspired and motivated us to work even harder over the next 20 years. Milestones like this make you realize that tomorrow's legacies are being created today." And as for next year's festival, Dennis promises that "while it's going to be hard to top this year's, we always manage to be inspired. Stay tuned for more surprises in August 2009."

For more information please visit our website: queerfilmfestival.ca

"So, that's a jack fruit ghost, right?"

Sylvania, Transylvania, Transvestite, Hot Tranny Mess...I can see the brainstorming session behind this commercial. It's one part Thai folk story and one part shameless commercial cash-grab with some sexy sexploitation thrown in for good measure (take a gander at Tall Ghost, who is packing heat in that loincloth. Reeeeeeear! See you on the casting couch, gigantor...)

And because I can't resist the sweet siren call that is Juliette Lewis and the Licks, here's a MSTRKRFT remix for your weekly Meat Street Beat:

Tuesday Hotness

So there's been a lot of talk recently about how this blog has gotten "too literary" which I've decided to translate into "less talk, more rock" and/or "shut up and get to the point."

I'm not made of time people and neither are you. If you want short I will give you short, so let's cut to the chase. I have a thing for guys named Sean - it's something to do with calling out Sean in certain situations and my name being Sean and the delicious sexy identity crisis that ensues thereafter.


Here's the original Sean for your Tuesday hotness (if you're looking for something a little more naked, feel free to check out last weeks homofication series here, here and especially that Breaux Greer here.)

Olympics 2008: Hits and Misses

The Vancouver Queer Film Festival is now officially over. The final screening (XXY) was one of the most brilliant movies I've seen in the last five years. Get your hands on a copy and watch it.

The end of the VQFF also marked the end of the 2008 Olympics. Congratulations to all of my homofication candidates. You will surely haunt my dreams for months to come. And to all the Canadian Olympians: thanks for putting on a wicki-wicked show.

Here's some of the best of the worst of the best photos from the Games. If you'd like to see more, click here.

And this last shot in the spirit of Saturday's Raunchorama - which almost made me puke a record four (4) times during its 1.5 hour course.

Homofication: Adam Van Koeverden vs Adam Kreek...with a little Breaux Greer thrown in just because I love you

It's Raunchorama Resurrected! tomorrow night at the Vancouver Queer Film Festival. Check out one of the most popular annual screenings at Cinemark Tinseltown at 9:30pm. I've heard a lot about the afterparty at Friction (123 Pender St). If you're looking for an excuse to parade around in front of crowd wearing notthing but a towel, this is your night. Congratulations to Right Up Your Alley: Vancouver's Gay Blog pin-up Adam Van Koeverden, who took home a silver in the K-1 500. I don't like pitting hot Canadian Olympian against hot Canadian Olympian, but I realized that after a long week of homofication, these two Adams might need dual it out for top honours here on RUYA. It's the battle of the Adams and both enjoy a good paddle. Who are you going to pick? May the best Adam win...

Olympian Adam Van Koeverden

Olympian Adam Kreek

Adam Greer won a gold this year in the men's eight. He had a lot of face time on CBC...can you blame them?

Oh and for something a little extra - Breaux Greer is not Canadian (though should be), so loses out on those points, but you know what, who the hell cares. He is a homofication candidate if I've ever seen one. His name is interesting, he has wicki-wicked hair and (insert your own javelin joke here)...

Belly button piercing? Heyoooo!

Homofication: Adam Van Koeverden - come on, say his surname out loud...it sounds a lot like...

Quick update: guess who was denied access at tonight's Vancouver Queer Film Festival screenings? Me? It couldn't possibly be...oh wait, it was. Starry-eyed reporter much? You got my number. For some reason, that week I spent fighting tooth and nail for a media pass so I could cover the festival and devote my next print article to promoting queer film...well, I guess that's not happening now. I did see this guy at Cinemark Tinseltown:

David Charlie was promoting one of the VQFF entries (Mulligans) and he was standing right beside me, listening to me explain how I was a local reporter covering the movie, please let me in so I can review, look at my media pass, etc. to the well-meaning VQFF staff...but alas, to no avail. He then got to witness my eventual Mariah Carey-inspired meltdown. If I wasn't so angry, I would've asked him for a ticket/what his thoughts were about the movie he was starring in but I wasn't going to get to see.

In hindsight, I should have stripped down to my manties and passed out popsicles to the crowd. That Mariah. Is there anything she can't do?

Okay enough. The Olympics are on.

Newflash: Canadians are hot.

Take Adam Van Koeverden. His semi's were fierce and in light of my VQFF "experience" tonight, I also had the pleasure of watching him in the finals instead of watching queer film.

Another homofication candidate if I've ever seen one.

Adam placed 7th and I was happy to watch him doing it:

Listen, Not For Public Use...Quit bossing me...or else

Seriously - is there something in the water up here or what?

Homofication: Is Alexandre Despatie gay?

Before I go too deep into this entry, I would like to remind everyone that the Vancouver Queer Film Festival is still on and going strong. Tomorrow night I'm going for a back to back viewing at Cinemark Tinseltown (which, as far as names go, sounds like Hallmark met the Town Cinema under a Chirstmastree) - first for Mulligans at 7pm and then for Kiss the Bride for 9:30pm. These appear to be two of the more Hollywoodized enteries this year, which suits the Prim Reaper over here just fine. Here are the trailers:





Now on to hotter things...

I've been talking to a few friends about this one since Despatie won his silver medal on the 3m springboard. It's an interesting gay male phenomenon, one that is shared by one or two of my lesbian friends too and a whole airplane load of straight girls (who often believe that this is "just a phase" and or that "homosexuals, like unicorns and Stephen Harper, don't actually exist").

Anyway, when confronted with an attractive member of the same sex, I often find myself coming to the conclusion, in true Sherlock Homo fashion, that he is gay. Based on what facts you ask? Why sheer sex appeal of course. Clearly, if I am attracted to them, they must be homosexual. Sure there's some hope in there somewhere, but hope isn't sexy so who cares about that.

I believe this is a version of Gaydar, but not quite.

In case you've been dead in a cave for the past 15 years and suddenly found yourself ressurected in some sort of pink paradise, Gaydar is what straight people use to "detect" queers, whereas when gay meets gay, even for the first time, gaydar (like batteries) is not required.

Projecting homosexuality on people who you want to have sex with...that's not gaydar. It's one part fuck me eyes and one part wishful thinking. Wishfuck Eyedar? Eyegay Wishfuck? No no. That's just silly with far too many syllables for the masses.

So I'm going to settle this by coining the following, with the assistance of my friend C:

Homofication

And here's a dictionary entry that someone should send to the urban dictionary stat:

Homofication - slang, def: projecting homosexuality on people who you want to have sex with.

It's a bit like personification, except less to do with inanimate things, and more to do with people whose sexuality you don't know about.

Yet still, the question remains...is he or isn't he?

Verdict: I would like abstain judgement at this time and instead encourage the jury to read up on Rex Homo vs Greg Louganis.

And all this aside, congratulations Alexandre. I'm a huge fan.

If you don't know who I'm talking about, feast yer eyes on our great Quebecois hope, who has delivered at the Olympics, not once, but twice: