Douche Cologne/Ten things I hate about U-haul

Before we delve deeper into the brotherhood of the traveling douche, I would like to proclaim that I hate U-haul. And no, it's not just some trivial dislike of mine blown out of proportion due to a fit of frivolity. Nay, kind reader. I repeat: nay.

After many years of hijinx ($19.95 vans turning into $369.82 vans, pick up locations in Chilliwack, drop off locations in hell, etc), the shit teeth collective at U-haul command-control-centre (perhaps located in U-tah?) sent my sister and I to an abandoned, boarded up building in the middle of Nowheresville, Vancouver Island to pick up a truck.

Here's a surprise: there was no truck there.

Here's another surprise: Client Relations Manager "Zariak" (no surname, which means he more akin to Jesus and Cher, than mere mortals like you and I) told me a real zinger on the phone after I called 1-800-NO-BALLS. He told me, "There's nothing I can do for you."

Well, "Zariak", why the fuck do you have a job then?

"There's nothing I can do for you" is something I would expect from:

1) Celine Dion (who also has no balls)

2) Lamb-Chop (who has neither balls nor a spine)

3) Bad jokes about spousal abuse (which take balls and often involve not the fun kind, but that other kind of beating)

Anyway, I won't get into the other things I hate about U-haul (the name, the hyphen in the name, the shorthand convenience of the name, the font, its u-move monopoly here in Canada, the vehicle checks, the orange everything...you get the idea)

Okay so I did get into it, but here's the real blog for today:

You may have noticed the resurgence of douchebag in popular culture. Sure, when John Mayer wears a douchebag shirt, it's whimsical and poignant and delightful in all the ways it should be. However, when you actually meet a douchebag, they are none of these things.

Don't know what a douchebag is and are too lazy to click on the hyperlinks above? You're my kind of people. Watch this instead!

Douche Cologne Spoof on male cologne such as Axe body spray.

Brenda Dickson: "Give yourself a chest camel toe by lifting nuts and bolts to your chin!"

Welcome to my home...I'm Brenda Dickson. You may remember me from such soap operas as The Young and the Restless...oh wait, that's the only thing you'll remember me from because I didn't have a career beyond that.

Fact: If you get skinny enough, you'll look like a lollipop...nice big head...stick body...that's the goal, isn't it?



Thanks to comedian Deven Green for posting these on YouTube. Here are the rest of the spoofs:









And here's the original:



Enjoy.

The Lion, the Witch and the Whoredrobe....

Before eternal winter set in upon the land of Narnia, I imagine the following gentleman caller enjoyed long midnight dances, sexy hunting parties, feasting, and treasure trail seeking.

His many likes include lampposts, fauns, nymphs, dryads, Red Dwarfs, wayward British children disguised as messiahs, and talking animals, especially Mr. and Mrs. Beaver.

His dislikes include Turkish Delight, long walks through the snowy forest, anal fisting and being turned into stone.
Don't let his come-hither smile and whimsical dress fool you. It is Mr. Tumnus in a disguise. In a shocking role reversal, he has left Narnia for the red-carpet pleasures of MTV. I, for one, don't want anything to do with him. Back into the closet..er, "wardobe"...with you foul he-beast.

In other news, the Vancouver Queer Film Festival announced its winners. If my own ramblings about queer film didn't convince you of its relevance and importance to all things queer, check out this official press release (note: I didn't receive this until Tuesday, Aug 26) -

MEDIA RELEASE

Media Contact: Robin Perrin

t. 604.844.1615 | robin@outonscreen.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

20^th Anniversary Vancouver Queer Film Festival
Unveils Award Winners at Closing Gala

Vancouver, BC (August 25, 2008) - At last night's Closing Gala Ceremonies the 20th Anniversary Vancouver Queer Film Festival announced the winners of the Vancity enviro Visa People's Choice Award for Best Feature, the OUT tv Hot Pink Shorts Award - both chosen by audience members during the 11 day festival - and the Gerry Brunet Memorial Award, selected by a jury of artists and film curators.

The visually stunning musical Were the World Mine by director Tom Gustafson took the People's Choice Award for Best Feature. The film tells the tale of high school student Timothy, prone to escaping his dismal reality through dazzling musical daydreams, and his discovery of a love potion that turns much of his narrow-minded town gay. Were the World Mine is Gustafson's feature directorial debut and was screened as part of the Vancouver Queer Film Festival's youth focus program. The film proved so popular that a third screening was added during the festival. Vancity enviro Visa generously provides the $1500 prize for the audience's choice for best feature film.

Local filmmaker Claudia Morgado Escanilla took home the festival's first Out tv Hot Pink Shorts Award for her charming film, No Bikini. Based on a story by Ivan E Coyote, the film is about a seven year old who decides to go without her bikini top at a summer camp, with surprising results. The film was screened twice during the festival, once as part of the KinderKino family program and again at the annual The Coast is Queer program. OUT tv provides the $750 prize for the audience's choice for best short film.

The jurors for the Gerry Brunet Memorial Award had a difficult time selecting a winner from among the worthy entries this year, an indication of the quality of the short films the festival now screens. In the end the prize went to two deserving films: Hirsute by AJ Bond and Writing the Land by Kevin Lee Burton. Hirsute features a time-travelling scientist who encounters his future self while Writing the Land offers a meticulous study of language and landscape. Claudia Morgado's No Bikini received honourable mention from the jury. The Gerry Brunet Memorial Award is awarded for the best short film or video by a British Columbian director and is given in recognition of Gerry Brunet, a lifelong contributor to arts organizations and an early Board member of Out On Screen. The award is worth $1500 ($500 cash and $1000 in production services courtesy of Technicolor).

In addition to the annual festival film awards, last night interdisciplinary artist, writer and activist Laiwan was the proud recipient of the Vancouver Queer Film Festival's 20th Anniversary Award. The award, a $2000 prize, was presented to Laiwan in recognition of her contribution to queer media in BC over the past two decades. Laiwan's multi-media exhibition LOOSE WORK was at the OR Gallery during the festival.

20 Years: Looking Back with Pride, Looking Ahead with Hope and Anticipation

While the final numbers are not yet in, all indications are that this year's 11 day festival was the most successful to date. Not only were the films well attended, but the numerous panels, workshops and performances drew record participation. As Vancouver's second largest film festival, the Vancouver Queer Film Festival continues to grow in scope and size.

The festival opened with the heart warming film from South Korea, Like a Virgin, and featured an additional gala film in honour of the 20^th Anniversary, a special screening of Aerlyn Weissman's Little Sister's vs, Big Brother. The Queer History Project saw its second commissioned film premiere at the festival with Rex vs. Singh, the story of the trial of two Sikh mill workers accused of sodomy a year following the 1914 Komagata Maru incident. The highly anticipated film by Ali Kazimi, Richard Fung and John Greyson generated interest from the public, community groups as well as national and international media. Fittingly, the Queer History Project website was also launched during this year's festival. The interactive website is intended to be a place where the Vancouver queer community can create, explore and share its history. See www.queerhistoryproject.com

Other festival highlights include the festival's artist in residence Coral Short and her Wolves on Parade performances, Aerlyn Weissman's words of wisdom at her masterclass on Oral History and Living Memory and the steamy Hot Mix at Friction. The festival closed with the screening of the award winning Argentine film XXY. Filmgoers, filmmakers and performance artists gathered for a final celebration at the Closing Gala party at Celebrities.

Out On Screen's Executive Director, Drew Dennis, commented on the significance of the 20th anniversary festival. "This anniversary has given us an opportunity to recognize how far we've come, both as a festival and as a community. It has also inspired and motivated us to work even harder over the next 20 years. Milestones like this make you realize that tomorrow's legacies are being created today." And as for next year's festival, Dennis promises that "while it's going to be hard to top this year's, we always manage to be inspired. Stay tuned for more surprises in August 2009."

For more information please visit our website: queerfilmfestival.ca

"So, that's a jack fruit ghost, right?"

Sylvania, Transylvania, Transvestite, Hot Tranny Mess...I can see the brainstorming session behind this commercial. It's one part Thai folk story and one part shameless commercial cash-grab with some sexy sexploitation thrown in for good measure (take a gander at Tall Ghost, who is packing heat in that loincloth. Reeeeeeear! See you on the casting couch, gigantor...)

And because I can't resist the sweet siren call that is Juliette Lewis and the Licks, here's a MSTRKRFT remix for your weekly Meat Street Beat:

Tuesday Hotness

So there's been a lot of talk recently about how this blog has gotten "too literary" which I've decided to translate into "less talk, more rock" and/or "shut up and get to the point."

I'm not made of time people and neither are you. If you want short I will give you short, so let's cut to the chase. I have a thing for guys named Sean - it's something to do with calling out Sean in certain situations and my name being Sean and the delicious sexy identity crisis that ensues thereafter.


Here's the original Sean for your Tuesday hotness (if you're looking for something a little more naked, feel free to check out last weeks homofication series here, here and especially that Breaux Greer here.)

Olympics 2008: Hits and Misses

The Vancouver Queer Film Festival is now officially over. The final screening (XXY) was one of the most brilliant movies I've seen in the last five years. Get your hands on a copy and watch it.

The end of the VQFF also marked the end of the 2008 Olympics. Congratulations to all of my homofication candidates. You will surely haunt my dreams for months to come. And to all the Canadian Olympians: thanks for putting on a wicki-wicked show.

Here's some of the best of the worst of the best photos from the Games. If you'd like to see more, click here.

And this last shot in the spirit of Saturday's Raunchorama - which almost made me puke a record four (4) times during its 1.5 hour course.

Homofication: Adam Van Koeverden vs Adam Kreek...with a little Breaux Greer thrown in just because I love you

It's Raunchorama Resurrected! tomorrow night at the Vancouver Queer Film Festival. Check out one of the most popular annual screenings at Cinemark Tinseltown at 9:30pm. I've heard a lot about the afterparty at Friction (123 Pender St). If you're looking for an excuse to parade around in front of crowd wearing notthing but a towel, this is your night. Congratulations to Right Up Your Alley: Vancouver's Gay Blog pin-up Adam Van Koeverden, who took home a silver in the K-1 500. I don't like pitting hot Canadian Olympian against hot Canadian Olympian, but I realized that after a long week of homofication, these two Adams might need dual it out for top honours here on RUYA. It's the battle of the Adams and both enjoy a good paddle. Who are you going to pick? May the best Adam win...

Olympian Adam Van Koeverden

Olympian Adam Kreek

Adam Greer won a gold this year in the men's eight. He had a lot of face time on CBC...can you blame them?

Oh and for something a little extra - Breaux Greer is not Canadian (though should be), so loses out on those points, but you know what, who the hell cares. He is a homofication candidate if I've ever seen one. His name is interesting, he has wicki-wicked hair and (insert your own javelin joke here)...

Belly button piercing? Heyoooo!

Homofication: Adam Van Koeverden - come on, say his surname out loud...it sounds a lot like...

Quick update: guess who was denied access at tonight's Vancouver Queer Film Festival screenings? Me? It couldn't possibly be...oh wait, it was. Starry-eyed reporter much? You got my number. For some reason, that week I spent fighting tooth and nail for a media pass so I could cover the festival and devote my next print article to promoting queer film...well, I guess that's not happening now. I did see this guy at Cinemark Tinseltown:

David Charlie was promoting one of the VQFF entries (Mulligans) and he was standing right beside me, listening to me explain how I was a local reporter covering the movie, please let me in so I can review, look at my media pass, etc. to the well-meaning VQFF staff...but alas, to no avail. He then got to witness my eventual Mariah Carey-inspired meltdown. If I wasn't so angry, I would've asked him for a ticket/what his thoughts were about the movie he was starring in but I wasn't going to get to see.

In hindsight, I should have stripped down to my manties and passed out popsicles to the crowd. That Mariah. Is there anything she can't do?

Okay enough. The Olympics are on.

Newflash: Canadians are hot.

Take Adam Van Koeverden. His semi's were fierce and in light of my VQFF "experience" tonight, I also had the pleasure of watching him in the finals instead of watching queer film.

Another homofication candidate if I've ever seen one.

Adam placed 7th and I was happy to watch him doing it:

Listen, Not For Public Use...Quit bossing me...or else

Seriously - is there something in the water up here or what?

Homofication: Is Alexandre Despatie gay?

Before I go too deep into this entry, I would like to remind everyone that the Vancouver Queer Film Festival is still on and going strong. Tomorrow night I'm going for a back to back viewing at Cinemark Tinseltown (which, as far as names go, sounds like Hallmark met the Town Cinema under a Chirstmastree) - first for Mulligans at 7pm and then for Kiss the Bride for 9:30pm. These appear to be two of the more Hollywoodized enteries this year, which suits the Prim Reaper over here just fine. Here are the trailers:





Now on to hotter things...

I've been talking to a few friends about this one since Despatie won his silver medal on the 3m springboard. It's an interesting gay male phenomenon, one that is shared by one or two of my lesbian friends too and a whole airplane load of straight girls (who often believe that this is "just a phase" and or that "homosexuals, like unicorns and Stephen Harper, don't actually exist").

Anyway, when confronted with an attractive member of the same sex, I often find myself coming to the conclusion, in true Sherlock Homo fashion, that he is gay. Based on what facts you ask? Why sheer sex appeal of course. Clearly, if I am attracted to them, they must be homosexual. Sure there's some hope in there somewhere, but hope isn't sexy so who cares about that.

I believe this is a version of Gaydar, but not quite.

In case you've been dead in a cave for the past 15 years and suddenly found yourself ressurected in some sort of pink paradise, Gaydar is what straight people use to "detect" queers, whereas when gay meets gay, even for the first time, gaydar (like batteries) is not required.

Projecting homosexuality on people who you want to have sex with...that's not gaydar. It's one part fuck me eyes and one part wishful thinking. Wishfuck Eyedar? Eyegay Wishfuck? No no. That's just silly with far too many syllables for the masses.

So I'm going to settle this by coining the following, with the assistance of my friend C:

Homofication

And here's a dictionary entry that someone should send to the urban dictionary stat:

Homofication - slang, def: projecting homosexuality on people who you want to have sex with.

It's a bit like personification, except less to do with inanimate things, and more to do with people whose sexuality you don't know about.

Yet still, the question remains...is he or isn't he?

Verdict: I would like abstain judgement at this time and instead encourage the jury to read up on Rex Homo vs Greg Louganis.

And all this aside, congratulations Alexandre. I'm a huge fan.

If you don't know who I'm talking about, feast yer eyes on our great Quebecois hope, who has delivered at the Olympics, not once, but twice:

Vancouver's Prim Reaper speaks: "Has Manhunt Destroyed Gay Culture?"

Two nights ago, a good friend of mine sent me a link to one of the most interesting articles on gay culture that I've read in years...perhaps ever. I've had to take some time to think about it and what it says about being gay and gay culture. According to the author, things aren't looking good...

The article is courtesy of out.com, which, for your information, is in direct competition with Manhunt. Although I have reservations about the politics behind Out publishing this article, I don't have the same reservations about what is being said.

I've even heard that Manhunt is about to launch a new site, just for bottoms. They are calling it "Mancunt".

Okay no. I stole that joke from Billeh Nickerson, but you'd almost believe it after reading the original article.

What are your thoughts? Send them to vancouvergayblog@gmail.com or comment on this post. I will anonymously post them in a future post.

What are my thoughts?

Now it's a well-known fact in some social circles that I am the Prim Reaper. In fact if you took:

and added a little bit of this guy:

(shudder - yes that is picture George W Bush oogling an Olympic beach volleyball player)

you'd end up with something that looked a little bit like this:

(me)

Prim Reaper. Serial monogamist. I've been called a lot of things in my day. Which is interesting when you look at my name. Horlor...hmm...even as my blog rival (Right Up Your Alley: Kamloops) recently pointed out, my last name seems to lend itself to easy (and I mean easy) jokes: horny, whore, whore lure, horny horror...if you can think it, I have heard it at least once this lifetime. Trust me.

I do prefer meeting people the following way over the Manhunt way though:



Yes, yes, it's old fashioned. And the video clip I use to illustrate my point is ten minutes long. Ten minutes long?!? Why that's longer than most one night stands! (yes, I am retiring that line after this post). And on top of all that, they aren't even speaking English. But it gives me hope, gentlemen. Hope that North American TV will eventually catch up its European counterpart. Hope that from some, romance is still preferred over a quick anonymous fuck.

Tuesday Hotness: Jared Connaughton

I've let the ball (or balls?) drop on the hotness files here. So I'm going to make it a regular Tuesday feature. I promise. Tuesdays are hard. So is this guy:
Hello? Have YOU been watching the Olympics? I saw PEI's Jared Connaughton run yesterday and swear to god and baby jesus on the cross: my pants jumped right off my legs and ran out the apartment door.

Not for public use? Pffft. Quit bossing me around, "not for public use" boss. You don't know me.

You're number one in my books, Jared, so go ahead and kick some ass in your semis tomorrow. And if you need a "writer" to help sort out your crazy Beijing experiences into a bare-all...fine, I mean tell-all... biography, or you know, someone to come lift weights from time to time, I'm your man: call me!

Vancouver Queer Film Festival - Bangkok Love Story

After a hit-and-miss weekend, I was happy to head down to the Vancity Theatre tonight and continue the film-high that came with the kick-off to Vancouver Queer Film Festival's 20th anniversary.

I tagged Bangkok Love Story as one of my must-sees in my Xtra! West column last week and I know it is supposed to be a tradgedy, but I would tell anyone considering a trip to see the second screening on Wednesday to walk in with "romantic comedy" on their mind. Sure there was the HIV story line (which was hard hitting), prostitution, multiple unrequited loves and more tradgedy during the movie's running time than you could shake a limp dick at, but seriously folks, who could forget the romantic peek-a-boo scene, genitals being creatively blocked out by fresh visual metaphors like poles, sexy bathing, the butterfly chimes/tattoos (as my good friend Amanda coined: Mariah Carey co-producing...anyone? anyone?)...the list could go on.

Should I say it?

No. I shouldn't.

But I am going to say it anyway:

The plot had more holes than swiss chesse (heeeeyooo!)

On another note: written and directed by Poj Arnon, the film deconstructs Thai gay stereotypes by dipicting two masculine gay men falling in love overtop a standard action/thriller plot line. The cinematography alone is worth your dollars. Here are some stills:

What do I mean by "masculine" and Thai stereotypes? Well, I'm glad you asked...

My ex and I spent nearly four months in South East Asia this past fall/winter, mostly in Bangkok and also in Chiang Mai in northern Thailand. Wherever we went, the Thais would inevitably ask us: "So which one is the woman?" I would joke and say it was my ex and the Thai girls would laugh (word to the wise: few things can make a temper flare in 40C weather faster than an attack on your manhood) and then we'd all go and buy a few more litres of Beer Chang from the grocery store and drink them on the street and bygones were bygones and onward went the trip. Curious what I'm talking about? Take a look:

(Those two photos are probably enough to make you happy you weren't travelling with me, eh?)

What's the point of this long personal anecdote?

As you may have guessed, there isn't one.

No wait. There is. Thai mainstream culture accepts homosexuality, but stereotypically, it's one a level of man + lady-boy. This film breaks that converntion, though does it in Thai style: melodramically, with an ear-drum-popping accompaniment of sugary Thai ballads. And of course, the smoldering Chaiwat Thongsaeng spends most of the movie in his underwear, so even if you can't take the paint-by-numbers dialogue, stop reading the subtitles and focus on this:

If you've been to Bangkok, Bangkok Love Story will bring back memories (it reminded me of Thong Lor and Sukhumvit districts and throughout the movie, I swear I could hear the BTS Skytrain attendant announcing: Nana)

There is a second screening this Wednesday. Take the time to go see it.

In other news: the websmaster at Right Up Your Alley: Kamloops and I have called a truce. He apologizes and I'm offering him the same...and hell, I've even added him to the blogroll. In light of all that drama, there may be some changes coming to our format here. I'll keep you posted.

Honey Dijon also graced Vancouver with a stellar perfomace on Saturday night at the Majestic. I managed to chat with her mid-set (she's as gorgeous as she is talented). Thanks to Tommy D and Richard for the good times. Here she is:
Lastly, MLA-hopeful Spencer Herbert was on the corner of Davie and Bute today talking up his campaign. Check out his website: www.spencerherbert.ca. Check out his platform. This guy is the real deal.

Get out and see some films, y'all!